parenthood

No, My Child Will Not Be Going To The Zoo

No, I’m not a heartless evil mother who never wants her child to have any fun. But he will not be going. Not for a school field trip. Not with grandma. Not for a playdate with a friend. My child is not going to the zoo. Full stop. End of discussion.

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Photoshopped in-womb: just say no. (Image Credit: Pexels)

Your Photoshopped Fetus Creeps Me Out

Let’s just all as a human race hold hands, sing kumbaya, and admit that ultrasound pics look like something out of Dia de Los Muertos rather than an actual human baby.

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Listen more than you talk. This is going to be hard for you, because you are my child and my mouth runs like a duck’s ass. Image: author.

21 Life Lessons I Want To Share With My Daughter On Her 21st Birthday

Her birth turned my life upside down in the very best way a tiny human can; and through her, I’ve learned some of the most profound life lessons.
By “profound lessons,” I mean, “I have fucked up a lot of times.”

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"Bad Moms is adorably predictable: Mila Kunis plays Amy Mitchell, a stereotypical do-it-all mom who bows and scrapes to Christina Applegate, who kills it as Gwendolyn, the Head Bitch in Charge of the PTA." Image: Youtube

I'm Not Jumping On The “Bad Moms” Bandwagon — Here's Why

I went to the premiere of Bad Moms last week. I might have peed my pants during the movie and it took about two days until my face stopped hurting. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. (Okay, fine. There’s no “might have.” I did pee my pants. So what?)

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They are not yet aware that he’s gone. I know it’s only a matter of time before they figure it out. Image: Thinkstock.

Ask Erin: My Husband Left Me And The Kids Suddenly — What Do I Do?

My husband of 11 years recently and suddenly left me and our two children, ages 2 and 6. They are not yet aware that he’s gone. They think he’s traveling for work. I know it’s only a matter of time before they figure it out.

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We don’t often give pregnant people realistic expectations or dote on them postpartum, as we should. Image: Thinkstock.

The Postpartum Period Is For Self-Care (Not Just Taking Care Of The Baby)

CN: mention of postpartum depression/suicidality. Generally, in my experience, people often get so excited about a new baby, that they forget that postpartum women need doting on, too.

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When you grow up, you must come home and visit Mommy. And you must bring her hugs. And also vodka. Image: Thinkstock.

Absurd Things You Say To Your Kids

“Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they resemble George Clooney and have a steady job at Microsoft. In that case, give them Mommy’s number, or just walk them straight home with you.”

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Our kids define so much of our existence — shouldn't we at least take a break when we get a chance and talk about something other than them? Image: Thinkstock.

Can We Please Stop Talking About Our Kids?

I don't want motherhood to be where my life begins and ends. Sure, we can still talk about our kids, commiserate, and share in one another's parenting accomplishments — but at some point, we need to be more than mere storytellers of our children's lives.

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