Kira Jane Buxton

Bo Obama sat and stayed in front of a constellation of camera flashes and biped reporters this morning to give his farewell address in the Oval Of

“Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they resemble George Clooney and have a steady job at Microsoft. In that case, give them Mommy’s number, or just walk them straight home with you.”

Nobody panic. Put down the Skippy-dipped churro. Take another look the invitation and double-check that it’s for tonight. It is? Are you SURE?

[CN: diets, not eating (both satirical)] So, you’ve tried every diet out there. You are fed up — and often barely fed at all. The South Beach Diet, The North Pole Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Fatkins Diet, Weight Watchers, Weight Ignorers… The list is as long as your droopy face.