Absurd Things You Say To Your Kids

• “Don’t grab at the cat. She is the last survivor of her clan and worked as a janitor at Hogwarts. Respect her.”

Photo: Flickr, Nina A.J.

• “If you fart in the car, because of science you will be catapulted into outer space, where there is no Wii U. And Dora the Explorer will face jail time.”

• “Shoplifting is illegal. That means you can’t just take a Tootsie Pop or a Butterfinger whenever you feel like it. Toilet paper is okay, though, we’re always running out of that shit and it should be government-funded.” 

Photo: Flickr, “Lollipop In The Park” Jay Weidenbach

• “If you touch the DVR, the monster under your bed will scarf the last of the Halloween candy you’ve stashed behind your Pokemon card collection and force-feed you asparagus. With a mushroom-and-blue-cheese starter salad.”

• “What is sex? Sex is when Mommy and Daddy have three minutes alone and Daddy got locked out of his Surface Pro.” 

• “Don’t touch those — they are not chocolate truffles. Godiva is the grownup name given to camel testicles.”

By Jjron — Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

• “Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they resemble George Clooney and have a steady job at Microsoft. In that case, give them Mommy’s number, or just walk them straight home with you.”

Photo: Flickr, “George Clooney” Claudiana Gois

• “Never give up. Like how at four o’clock every day Mommy begins happy hour practice. She never gives up on half-priced hooray juice.”

Photo: Flickr, “Lebanon Breaks Record For World's Biggest Wine Glass” studio tdes

• “You are safe and loved. Except when you empty the contents of your diaper onto the floor and use your poonami to lacquer my living room. Then you are listed on Ebay.”

• “Share with your sister. One day you’ll need her to post bail.”

Photo: Flickr, “In The Slammer” Chris Schmich

• “Your allowance is ample. If anything around here deserves a raise, it’s Mommy’s boobs. #JugsNeedFilling #PillowsNeedFluffing”

• “Go. To. Sleep. If you don’t sleep, the planet will implode, which is unfortunate, because you’ll have to go and live with Matt Damon or those butt-headed people on Star Trek that you shouldn’t know about because you were supposed to be in bed. There is no Minecraft on Mars.”

By Mico Niemi, user Miconiemi on fi.wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

• “If you punch your father in his no-no bits one more time I’m calling an exorcist!”

By User Gerald Farinas on en.wikipedia — Unknown, Public Domain

• “Turd or Baby Ruth? Turd or Baby Ruth! ANSWER ME!”

• “Where do babies come from? Babies come from… the store. You pick up a box mix, just add water and two eggs, and bake at 300 degrees for nine months. Yes, it was Walmart.”

• “How many times must we discuss this?! Cauliflower, cottage cheese, and salmon are meant to be consumed. Socks, Play-Doh, and Mommy’s earlobes, however, are not edible. Spongebob Squarepants wouldn’t stand for this — and we shouldn’t upset him; his jaundice indicates a liver problem.”

• “When you grow up, you must come home and visit Mommy. And you must bring her hugs. And also vodka.”