dating

I’ve never been able to embrace the life of no regrets. Regrets are stubborn seeds that plant themselves in my mind, refusing to leave until something grows from them. I water them by reliving my past until I figure out what I would do differently if I could go back. Eventually, I do go back, even if the situation is slightly different.

In a recent attempt at brutal self-examination, I opened my Apple Music account to see how many artists were recommended to me by men I’ve dated or slept with. There were well over 60, (making up the majority of what I listen to regularly).

It's a modern world and women are rising at every level. Awesome! Yet, despite all of the advancements, there's still a social undercurrent that implies that a woman's worth increases if she's in a relationship (even more so if she gets married).

For long time, I wondered why the people I dated, people I was friends with, and jobs I was taking on were temporary or weren't ever interested in a long-term commitment. It seemed like every opportunity I had was for a short-term assignment or position, every person I liked only wanted to date casually.

Being a couple is about achieving the same goals, whether it’s to cook dinner, assemble IKEA furniture, or build a whole big life together. If you aren’t working towards the same goals (or can’t figure out how to use those miniature screwdrivers), then you aren’t with the right person.

"Because you acted like a stupid bitch." That’s what it says on the paper, the tiny piece of paper, or maybe envelope or napkin that I found in the box of old letters I keep stashed in my closet. I stare at the words and read them out loud, in hopes that the action will shake loose the memory. Nothing.

I am a long-time serial monogamist. At 27, I’ve had three serious relationships, but have never just dated. I’ve always just had significant others as an adult, and now, being single for a sustained period of time for the first time since high school, I’m finally entering the dating world. And I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.

One could make a reasonable argument that I’ve made some (OK, a lot) of mistakes when it comes to relationships. I’ve been a little…messy. It’s not entirely my fault. I blame Beverly Hills, 90210.