Minds

After my second episode of schizoaffective disorder, I had very little hope for any sort of future. Generating hope when times were bleak was the most vital part of my recovery because it motivated me to work hard in therapy to improve my life.

My life has been a long bumpy anxious ride. People often don’t understand my “quirky” behaviors due to anxiety. I’ve learned, over the years that it's not important what other people think. What matters is that I recognize when anxiety is coming out to play, and I punch that bitch in the face.

I wish I could say that every mistake I’ve made, every lousy decision, is all a manifestation of my faulty brain chemistry and mental illness.

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I can assure you that when a person is at rock bottom and in so much emotional pain that they literally can’t think of anything else but ending it as quickly as possible, someone telling them that it’s stupid would make about as much difference as a supermarket cashier telling them to “have a nice day” or someone in the street telling them to smile.

Recovering from any disordered eating struggle will bring situations of discomfort, but you can also find beauty. This is my recovery from fitness modeling.

Anxiety disorders — PTSD, OCD, and Panic Disorder, to name a few — are the most common mental illnesses in the United States, with about 18% of the population struggling with one. No one wants to be put on blast for their weaknesses or wiring issues. I just wish there was a way to better understand the silent majority — the people who suffer every day.

It's Monday — Boo! But, it's also time for another installment of #MondaysWithMatt — Yeah!