So, You Want To Take Your Kids To An Indoor Water Park Resort?

Make sure your tiny person doesn’t drown, or run, or get doused by the ginormous bucket that drops six tons of water every three minutes. This is where waterboarding came from. Effective. Torturous.

Here are some things to know about vacationing at a mammoth indoor water park working with a wolf theme:

1. Should you get stung by a jellyfish, you will be right at home base of the greatest cure we know.

The cumulative effect of the urine collected in those wading pools is greater or equal to three thousand children urinating on the site of your Medusozoa-inflicted injury. To save your life. Kids don’t get enough credit for this kind of stuff.

2. Prepare for the meltdown.

It'll come fast and it’ll get messy. Slippery slimy messy. You'll fall. Your partner will fall. Your kid will fall. All of your kids will fall. All the other kids in a three foot radius will fall. It'll bring down anyone around you.

But if a child wails in a cavernous room full of wailing children, does it make a sound? Ponder that.

3. Since lockers cost near the price of a new car, and you don’t want to leave your valuables lying around, just keep everything up in your hotel room.

Including your shoes. That wolf/bear/cabin-in-the-woods themed carpet has seen its share of Athlete’s Foot and whatever other fungal thing you want to crustily drag its way. Just bring along the extra-large tube of Lotrimin and you’ll be fine. Plus, walking around barefoot is so Clan of the Caveman. Be one with nature. #SimpleLife

4. You will eat French fries.

You will smell like French fries. Your hands and face will take on that glossy sheen that hundred-dollar facial creams only promise.

5. You might be asked to don plush wolf ears.

Get in touch with your lupine side. The concierge and check-in staff will probably howl. You will be expected to join the pack. Do you know what wolves do if they smell fear?

6. The buffet: Just do it.

Sure, it’s $79 a person (but only $59 for under 3s!), but it’s just easier. Congealed mac & cheese is better than no mac & cheese. These are facts. Also: soft serve... that you get to serve yourself. Do you know what it’s like for a five-year-old to push that dream lever that delivers sweet, soft, vanilla ice cream into a cone? Yes? No? Clean up in aisle five!

7. There will be kids questing just outside the Aquatic Fun Zone™.

What this means is that every amateur Zelda will be romping through the resort pushing buttons, speaking in odd Frodo-like dialects, and wielding wands. For just $129.99, you will be given a map of all the secret places in the resort. None of which sell whiskey. So, maybe not your thing. Some snot-nosed and self-important kid will say to you: do you even know what Zelda is? And then you can put them in their place by waxing nostalgic about that beautiful golden Nintendo cartridge from 1988, and then shoo them away telling them they need to find Carmen San Diego before the moon rises or some Dark Crystal directive like that. That might be worth $129.99.

8. No one cares what you look like in a bathing suit.

Everyone is focused on making sure their tiny person doesn’t drown, or run, or get doused by the ginormous bucket that drops six tons of water every three minutes. This is where waterboarding came from. Effective. Torturous.

9. The arcade! Skee-ball! Pac-man! Foozball!

Test your dexterity and spend hundreds by trying to grab a hold of a cheap stuffed penguin or plush can of Bud Light! You know what it’s stuffed with? The tears of little children who were told it was time to leave.

10. You’ve been wondering when the right occasion may arise for you to wear that Three Wolf Moon t-shirt you got on Amazon.

This. Is. It. Though, you won’t be the only one, if that’s the kind of thing that bothers you. Three wolves. One wolf. An eagle. Under the moon. Under a rainbow. Under the American flag.