Congratulations! You’re getting married! Good for you! It’s going to be the happiest day in your whole life!
That is, unless you fuck it up.
And if there’s anything that the copious amounts of unsolicited marriage and wedding advice I’ve gotten has made perfectly clear, it’s that there’s a million ways to destine your wedding to ruination.
Don’t fret! Not all is lost yet. Here’s a handy guide to not-fucking-it-up that I’ve created courtesy of the advice I’ve gotten as I plan my wedding:
Make a goddamned registry. Turns out, no one likes hippies, that shit stopped being cute decades ago. “BUT PRESENTS!” they yell. Ok! You say. So you and your fiancé sit down and register for all that camping equipment you want. “TRY AGAIN!” they yell. “THIS TIME PUT SOME NORMAL SHIT ON THERE LIKE SILVERWARE.”
Invite fucking everyone. That’s right. Everyone. Everyone who has ever mattered ever, and also people who don’t, but may kind of matter to people who matter to you. You never know who you’ll regret not inviting in the long run, and in the short run the people around you will let you know who the likely candidates are.
This is fucking serious, so stop fucking around. Not the serious sort? Didn’t want your wedding to be? TOO BAD BITCHES. Weddings are serious fucking business, and making light of any of it does not honor the occasion and likely dooms your marriage to the divorce courts, and who’ll be laughing then?
Have a long, long, engagement. Minimum a year. Doing it any less time that begs the question if you’re pregnant, or otherwise compromised. It makes people suspicious, like you just bought a one way plane ticket, and didn’t check a bag. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.
Who the fuck is the groom? Who cares, amirite! This is all about you. You’ve been dreaming about this day since you were a little girl, right? RIGHT? You haven’t? Shit. Start over again, and this time, be normal and know things like exactly what colors you want the ribbons around your bouquet to be. I mean, what the fuck, you’re on Pinterest, right? It’s not like you don’t have the tools.
Formality is how you communicate commitment. The less formal you make anything, the more you communicate to your guests, and probably God, too, that you don’t really give a shit, you’re just getting married for that gift registry you didn’t really want to make.
Tradition is tradition because you have to.
The more you spend, the better job you’re doing at being in love. You can’t put a dollar sign on love but you CAN on $Wedding! You don’t want to look cheap in your dress do you? Have bad hair? Bad photos? Stupid flowers? Cheap food? Sour wine? OF COURSE NOT. Why ruin your wedding by being a scrooge? A lack of investment financially belies your lack of investment to each other, and so looking for cheaper options just sends the message that you don’t really take your love for each other seriously.
If you’re not being a Bridezilla, you’re not really living life to the fullest. This is your moment to shine, woman! Don’t waste thinking about how other people feel. This wedding is all about you! Other than the guest list, the registry, the amount you paid, the tone, the length of the engagement, the man you’re marrying and the level of formality. Actually, JK, this wedding has nothing to do with you. So you might as well be a huge bitch, right?
Elope.
There you have it! Now go make your future spouse’s life miserable with some minutiae about place settings, and your wedding experience will be complete.
Yours in love,
Maggie
