sexual abuse

In my youth, our church was a place of liberal political pride for me. Jesus was a role model for helping others. The man who sexually abused me also spoke eloquently of Christian generosity. He welcomed draft resisters to the church during the Vietnam War. He was an intellectual who introduced me to Virginia Wolf, even as he seemed to feel entitled to sexual access to all women — and children who looked like women, like me.

Trauma has a way of breaking people down. It's consumed almost every moment of the last 15 years of my life- from the mental health consequences, such as PTSD and years invested in therapy, to the trouble I have connecting with other people and opening up.

[M]y therapist pointed out there’s a huge discrepancy in the way I present myself. On the one hand, I am a successful working person who seems fine and normal. On the other hand, I have a hard time with basic self-care and very often experience dissociation, depression, and anxiety as a result of sexual trauma and PTSD. And between these seemingly different people is a huge gap occupied by denial.

Supposedly, the happiest people are living in the moment, seizing the day, and generally living like it's their last day on earth. It all sounds inspired, wonderful, and profound. And simple. Who wouldn't be on board? Me, that's who. And somehow I suspect I'm not alone.

Until you have stared down that kind of mental anguish and all-consuming darkness for years on end, you cannot judge someone for choosing to escape their torture.

We all need a little magic sometimes.

[CN: cutting, dissociation, auditory hallucinations] I struggle with the need to have physical, visible proof of my inner world. That’s when I realized tattoos can replace my scars. I can reinterpret what my scars stand for and transform them into something beautiful, something worth remembering.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Unfortunately, you probably know someone who has been sexually assaulted. 1 out of 6 American women are survivors of attempted or completed rape. It’s not just women: 1 out of 33 men are survivors as well.