parenting

The tumult that’s been rippling through our country has me begging the question: what do we do when we feel the defeat of a woman and the rise of a monster bearing down on us?

I told my kids if they are going to pick a substance, pick pot. Don’t buy booze. Don’t drink cough syrup. Do get high. Why? Because pot doesn’t kill people. Pot doesn’t wreck your liver. Pot makes you want to eat cookies and listen to Pink Floyd on reproduction vinyl you bought at Urban Outfitters.

When you try to organize a playdate, I feel sick, and I make up an excuse so I can decline your invitation. I lie because my kids can never go to your place for a play. Ever. Because I don’t like your husband.

I know a lot of parents struggle with how to have these uncomfortable conversations. My friends and I have talked — and laughed — about our boys’ questions and the approaches to them. Some of them laid it all out there for their sons early on. Others insist their sons still don’t know the difference between boys and girls. (Love you, ladies, but give me a break.) So when I was asked to write an article about how to talk to your kids about sex, I jumped at the chance. Here are some of the main points all the experts told me.

This article originally appeared on

This article originally appeared on The G

3^rd grade is no joke. There really isn’t any way around it, their curriculum is tough shit.

Day three of “no.”

Let’s get dressed.

No.

Let’s eat breakfast.

No.

Time to get our shoes on!

No.