eating disorder

Looking at this humble gift created by my fourth child, the one I waited 10 years for, I am grateful, tearful. She has drawn me, her mother. And other than having a really big head, I just look like a person. I’m wearing a dress. I have two arms and legs, five fingers on each hand (a surprisingly short thumb, however). My hairstyle is questionable, but all in all, I just look like a person.

Deciding that I needed — wanted, even — to put myself, my emotional, mental, physical, health first, didn’t mean not loving my body. But it did mean that my body would probably need to change to be more agile, more functional.

I would wonder if others saw me as “super healthy” or as a “fit chick” — or if they had those thoughts at all. I was constantly consumed with every minute detail of my lifestyle, wondering if it was going to take me closer or further away from my ideal body.

If you’ve ever tried to find books that deal with sexuality in any meaningful way — or even if you’ve simply looked for a book featuring LGBTQIA characters in the first place — you’ve probably noticed a trend: Most LGBTQ media is depressing as fuck.

Lent is serious. I mean, it starts with people putting ashes on their faces while someone chants, "Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return," and then it ends with Jesus being tortured to death and then coming back to life. Yikes. I mean, I know we don’t have the monopoly on intense religious traditions, but dang, we Christians sure know how to party/freak out 6-year olds.

It was at this point when my starvation began at age 7 that I wondered: Am I controlling my body or is my body controlling me?

I’m a big proponent of teaching our loved ones how, during the holidays, to be gentle with our eating disorders (both in recovery and out).

I was a binge eater for the first 24 years of my life. As far back as I can remember, I would binge on food. My mom was a health nut and very judgmental about junk, and I wanted Goldfish, goddamnit! I felt like all that almond butter was stopping me from having a full childhood. And so I did my best to get in as many Cheez-Its and Fruit Loops and Snickers when I could.