The Bachelor

My first time trying out for The Bachelor, I really wanted to get on the show to find love. “Is anyone else here to find love?” I said out loud.

The blatant promise of a career in the spotlight has stripped the Bachelor/Bachelorette of its beautiful, benign lie: that we could watch “regular” people navigate the perils and pitfalls of modern dating, that such a quest was in and of itself enough, and that a happy ending was a real possibility.

Rachel has been stealing all Nick's thunder since this whole season started.

Time for "The Women Tell All" Which Usually Gets Its Own Episode, But Whatever, ABC, Let's Do This. This is actually a Corinne Rally. And it's pretty terrifying to see "Make America Corinne Again" hats and T-shirts and a bunch of "I LOVE RAQUEL" signs because . . . a reality show star is actually president right now. Remember? This is how it starts! And we don't need a bunch of additional political angst right now. Because if Corinne decides to run, you know they'll vote for her.

This teensy little Bachelor episode is only an hour long, but it's one enormous, platinum vagine tease from start to finish. 

Your hometown is not just some rando locale where you grew up. It's your entire identity, basically. It's the setting for your self-made reality: "This is who I am," chirps Raven. That's why Nick just goes with "Milwaukee" instead of saying godforsaken "Waukesha" when the cops grill him about where he's from. Because Nick is someplace you've heard of. We go muddin,' go to church, go shopping, and go to school with the four remaining bachelorettes on the ever-illuminating Hometown dates.

The news about Rachel destroyed this whole episode because after she was confirmed as the Next Bachelorette, nothing else mattered. Rachel is The New Queen of Bachelor Nation, her Majesty the real actual winner of this damn show. Twitter exploded with glee as the whole rhapsody trended.

Nick's Heart: Is it Even Real?

Nick seems most happy when scampering tipsy across the sand.