Christmas AF!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! I know this because that is what a 70-year-old song tells me. And really, what could be more wonderful than twinkle lights as far as the eye can see, shopping until your credit card bleeds, and dead trees decorated with tiny angels strung up on fish hooks in your living room? According to pop culture and every Christmas movie ever made — NOTHING. So, if you are having a hard time creating that sense of holiday magic, here are a few ideas to help you out.
Send Elf On The Shelf (EOTS) everywhere your child goes.
I suggest “hiring” multiple elves for this ultra holiday muscle flex. The key is to make sure the elf army sneak attacks at the right moment. Lay an elf on your child’s pillow, so it’s the first thing they see when they open their eyes in the morning. Maybe suspend it above little Theo’s bed, just an inch or two from his face. Sneak into Mabel’s classroom and hide one in her desk for a special surprise. Tape an elf to the inside of your toilet lid for a classic bathroom gag. Also, EOTS surpasses generations. It’s not just for children, and it certainly isn’t just for home use only. Share this curious mythical person with your co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Leave an elf in your boss’ chair with a cheeky note with something like “I see what you did there” or “I know where that petty cash really went, Ron.”
Buy your Christmas dinner from Williams Sonoma.
Nothing screams Happy Holidays like blowing an absurd amount of money on bougie, mail order, ready-to-eat free-range, hand-fed, rum rump massaged spiral ham and all the trimmings! Never mind that you can make a feast to feed soup kitchens in the surrounding three counties for the same price as a WS turkey dinner, and probably still take the fam out for an epic Christmas dinner prepared by a chef. EFF THAT. There is no better reason to needlessly buy overpriced freezer meals than Christmas. It isn’t sad at all, friends. You are yule tiding like a badass. Also, make sure you get enough for leftovers. IF you don’t hate yourself a little bit everytime you open the fridge door for the next few days, you’re doing Williams Sonoma Christmas Dinner wrong. (Be sure to get enough peppermint bark to last for the rest of the year, tho. That bark is basically the minty delight that naughty Christmas fantasies are made of.)
Practice minimalism.
Excessive Christmassing (totally a phrase) is so 2008. Don’t fall for that trap of too much tinsel and endless strings of colored lights. You can’t keep up with your neighbor’s light display, so change the rules of the game. Ditch the reindeer pulling the sleigh, or the too-real nativity scene in the front yard. Instead, choose one statement piece. Like a super-sized Charlie Brown Christmas tree or this terrifying inflatable Santa that is bigger than your house. Don’t limit it just to decorations, either. Extend it to dinner. Serve only an obscenely large casserole dish of butternut squash .
Don’t give physical gifts that will just end up in a landfill or Goodwill in a few years after collecting dust and regret in the corner of your closet. Give thoughts and prayers instead. They take up zero space and take effect retroactively. Consider it the tiny house movement of the holidays.
Refuse to receive gifts.
It’s better to give than to receive, right? Your self-esteem will soar higher than Bethlehem’s star when you refuse to give in to getting. So don’t settle for the lesser of the two options. Don’t be subject to those weak feelings of momentary excitement over getting something super cool. BE BETTER THAN THAT.
When someone offers you a beautifully wrapped gift or plate of super delicious Christmas cookies, smack that sh*t right out of their hands. Give them a piece of your mind instead. They are only trying to get all of the good feelings for themselves and, damn, don’t let them. Tell your friends and family in no uncertain terms that you will not debase yourself by accepting their tokens. When you give money to the bell ringers outside of Macy’s, shout your good-giving feelings. Let people know just how blessed you are at your loudest caroling volume.
Go forth and get Christmassed AF, and enjoy the absurdity of this magical season.
