Bodies

I was born without fingers on my right hand. No one knows why, even now, 36 years later. It just happened, as these things sometimes do.

I’ve wanted to be a mother my entire life, but always worried about my heart condition and whether I would be able to conceive. Finally, my chance was right in front of me. Finally, I had a real reason to lose weight. This wasn’t about the size label on my pants, or how I felt in a bathing suit. This was about the chance to create life.

I disowned my father when I was 17. He was a perfect storm of a human being, drowning women in physical abuse, rape, judgment, and his excuses. I experienced all but rape, and for that I consider myself lucky.

Dear Momma Bare, 

Active wear has evolved from something you would avoid being seen in to being a part of our everyday wardrobes.

I didn’t realize any of this until I was 18 years old, and by then I had tried to change myself for years. I didn’t realize that I shirked away from being seen as overbearing, or rude when boys dominated the conversation, although, these traits seemed to be admired and respected when displayed by the opposite gender.

You may not think that a sexual abuse survivor would find healing in putting on a leotard and displaying her body for others to judge, but that’s exactly what my journey has been.

"I now had my seat of power, my throne, if you will. That’s why I customized my chair to look like a throne. And that’s why I liked it in my act: because I was truly in love with it and all that it represented for me. It was no longer a trap or a cage. It was freedom. It was power. It was sexy. And it was mine."