Jennifer Fliss

Invite friends over. They should be attractive, but don’t have to be.

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It's spring! That means it's time to start thinking about summer camp for your child. Or children, if you've got beaucoup bucks to spare.

Nothing says "I’m patriotic" quite like going to a wolf-themed indoor water park resort wearing your wolf-themed t-shirt. With your floaties on. And a beer in your hand.

Don’t flush the toilet. Don’t turn on the lights. This is a good time to either meditate or partake in that incredibly wise bit of advice to sleep when the baby sleeps.

I am alone.

I don’t think you meant well. You wanted to vomit your discontent to the world. Isn’t that embarrassing? Or is it like a seven-cocktails-and-two-shots kind of vomit?

It is the denigrating soundtrack of a breast pumping session. You, sitting at its mercy. It, just taking and taking.

You wake up to birds chirping, just kidding, you don’t, because it’s February and it’s freezing, and also you have a kid.