Courtney Cameron

When you have a best friend, you expect to be able to tell them anything and for them to love you unconditionally, without judgment. At least, that’s what I felt about my best friend in sixth grade. She was like an older sister to me; of course she would stick with me.

People sometimes blame my dad for me being transgender. In their view, I guess, my father being a good dad is the reason I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and battle gender dysphoria. To my mind, this makes no sense. I will say, though, looking back — I did learn a lot about masculinity from my dad.

I always felt the reason I came out as genderqueer was so that I could finally feel like my body belonged to me — not some stranger.

But no, my body still belongs to society. My body still has to meet standards of people I don’t even know just so I can avoid being beaten or kicked out of the bathroom.

I’ve heard that you learn something new in every relationship you have in life, and I guess that’s true. But I actually learned more in my recent breakup with my ex of nearly a year than I did in the relationship itself. And they were some lessons I really needed.

Trans people struggle with disproportionate levels of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. This is because we don’t identify with the genders we’ve been assigned based on what our bodies look like, and because we can’t reconcile our true selves with the gender roles that are imposed upon us. This often leads to self-harm.

The signs are so clear to me now. Yet a month ago, if you had told me I was drifting too close to that edge, I wouldn’t have believed you.