That Time I Stopped Using Shampoo (AKA Went Poo-Free). For Science.

By day 8, my head is itching. Badly. Eco Internet told me this was normal. I start to think that maybe I have lice. I am starting to feel weak.

A few years ago I was feeling very Ecologically Aware. By which I mean I stopped using all chemicals, everywhere, because I was having a prolonged manic episode. Technically, eliminating all chemicals from my life would mean ceasing to exist in this dimension entirely (because EVERYTHING IS MADE OF CHEMICALS INCLUDING YOUR KOMBUCHA AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR SELF-WEANED BABY), but where I ended up wasn’t too far off from that.

It was an…interesting time. A time of vinegar on windows, baking soda in the sink, cloth diapers in the washing machine (which contained only sulfate/fite, phosphate-free detergent), and Absolutely No Shampoo.

A dark, dark season indeed.

If you haven’t heard of this “movement,” I’m sorry. You’re not hanging around with the right environmentalists.

I guess someone must have told me that not using shampoo was a good idea, and they must have had a convincing argument, because I actually did it.

Dear Person Who Told Me Not Using Shampoo Was Awesome,

You lied.

Sincerely,

Me

Here is what “no-poo” looks like: You stop washing your hair.

The end.

Well, not the end end. You actually sort of replace your shampoo with some baking soda mixed with a bit of water and “wash” your hair with that. In this situation, wash = pouring a home remedy for dishware scorch marks over your head and crying because you miss the smell of Pantene.

When you’re done with the (lies) “washing,” you pour ACV (or apple cider vinegar, for those of you who aren’t familiar with The Movement) over your head. You don’t rinse it. You smell like a salty pickle. You’re welcome.

I tried no-poo because of the following four reasons:

1. In the interest of being more eco-aware and chemical free (and it’s cheap, which is a nice feature)
2. As an experiment because I like to use myself as a subject of research but, you know, not the dangerous scientific kind where I might be scarred or permanently damaged
3. Shampoo is a detergent, much like Tide, and washing your hair with Tide sounds like a bad idea. Also the bottle is very impractical to hold.
4. I was intrigued by the idea that ceasing to use artificial shampoo would make my hair actually look better.

Spoiler alert: It did not.

I have seen people who have gone poo-free, and their hair is a glorious cascade of luscious curls (or whatever). None of those people had hair that resembled a horse’s mane.

Except me.

The first few days were a greasy, salty-pickle disaster, but I hung in there. Science. Approaching the end of week one, I was starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. The Grease was still an issue, the cure for which is apparently more baking soda. More baking soda it is. And then more AVC to counteract the drying effect of the baking soda. And then more baking soda because my head had become an oil vat. And I think you see where this is going.

I can tell you all of this because, like a good and faithful SAHM Blogger, I blogged the entire experience. This was co-existing with the time of the Oil Cleansing Method (for face) and the TP FREE movement in the bathroom. And yes, that is exactly what you think it is.

By Day 8, my head is itching. Badly. Eco Internet told me this was normal. I start to think that maybe I have lice. I am starting to feel weak. The end of my hair feels like dried wheat. I start putting honey at the bottom, to moisturize, or attract ants. Whatever. (Can’t use ant spray. Natural insect killer recipe. And go.)

TW: gluten.

I APOLOGIZE FOR ANYONE WHO MAY EXPERIENCE CRAMPING/BLOATING/GENERAL INTESTINAL UPSET AFTER VIEWING THIS GIF.

Day 11: I am now dreaming about that '80s Pantene commercial where Kelly Le Brock says, as only she can, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

I hate you. Not just because you’re beautiful, but also because you do not smell like a salty pickle. Go straight to hell, Kelly.

Day 14. I begin to fear the only solution to this disaster will be cut my hair into a pixie.

Day 21. Trip to Whole Foods in a frantic search for an Eco-Friendly shampoo my Internet friends will not disown me for using. Pickings are slim.

I have never wanted to wash my hair so badly in all my life.

I will never be shampoo-free again. Earth, sorry. I have standards.