Now that I’m a mother, I’ve entered a whole new world in which I must fake it till I make it.
I’ve always loved that saying, “fake it 'til you make it.” When I was a young professional (inexperienced employee) sitting in my career station (small cubicle) working hard (emailing friends), I learned a lot about how to make it in the world (pretended like I knew what I was doing). Turns out not much has changed. Now that I’m a mother, I’ve entered a whole new world in which I must fake it till I make it. Every day presents a new opportunity for which I present to the world a person who has her shit together. I do not and this is how I fake it.
1. Dry Shampoo And Baby Wipes
Of course I shower! I mean, I totally would if I was going to like the gynecologist or a dinner that required me to wear pants with a zipper. But for the days when I am not meeting the President, I wing it with a little dry shampoo and baby wipes. Dry shampoo transforms me from a creature that has been pulled from an oil spill into a woman that doesn’t have to wear a hat that day. And hey, if baby wipes are good enough for my baby’s tushie, then they are good enough to start my who-ha’s day.
2. Your Name
I think I know your name, but I can’t quite be sure. I met so many moms at the School Curriculum Night! I want to say Jen, but you look like a Julie. Oh wait, I think you’re Laura? Actually I think Laura pronounced her name Lair-ah. Now I’m scared to say it wrong. I’m going to give you a “Hey Mama!” because I know you are a mom. When in doubt, the extended “heeeey” always does the trick too. You just responded with a “Hi Girl!” so I’m 99% sure you have no idea what my name is either. Faking it together, sister.
3. Coffee
Confession: I never drank coffee until I had children. In fact, I was so bold as to look-down upon coffee drinkers as some sort of freaks who needed caffeine to feel like human beings. Joke’s on me. As I stare down the cup of caffeinated goodness, I give my mug a small French kiss as a thank you for allowing me to pretend to be a functioning adult who doesn’t need sleep.
4. What You’re Talking About
See me nodding my head yes? That means I’m pretending to know where New Guinea is located on a map as you tell me about your recent vacation. “Oh yeah, that’s fun!” That was me agreeing with you when you asked if I have ever enjoyed scuba diving in mineral wells. If I just fake like I know what you’re talking about, then I will save you the time of explaining it, and me the time of having to hear it. A win for both of us!
5. The Right Answer
I know the answer to almost everything because I am a very smart woman. And I have an iPhone and know how to Google. Then there are the times when my phone sits inside and my son has got to know if snails have ears and “I don’t know” just won’t do. Let me tell you about how snails hear…
6. Tinted Moisturizer
There is a time and a place for makeup. It is in your twenties before you have children. Some mornings I am lucky to get two minutes to brush my teeth, let alone a makeup application. A little tinted moisturizer is sometimes all this face gets, as a way to hide my dark circles and cover that raging pimple.
7. That Smile On My Face
Thank you so much for inviting my family over to your house. You can tell how happy I am to be here by this smile on my face. Well sure, 20 seconds ago I was screaming at my children to stop hitting each other. And yes, despite this smile I just spent the entire car ride over here threatening my offspring not to use the words butt, stinky toots, booger brain, and poop-on-your-nose in your presence. Do I look calm and joyed to be here? Only because you said you had wine.
