goat hair brooch. Image: Nordstrom.com
While browsing Nordstrom’s website recently, I came across this clump of black hair in the accessories section. That must be some mistake, I thought to myself, because why would Nordstrom be selling a random clump of black hair alongside gold necklaces and cocktail rings? Then I clicked on it and discovered it was not a mistake. It is a “Goat Hair Brooch,” originally priced at $270.00, currently on sale for $161.98.
I have so many questions about this brooch. Here are 20 of them.
1. Why does this exist?
2. What part of the goat is this?
3. Are we sure this hair came from a goat?
4. Doesn’t it look more like Kardashian hair than goat hair?
5. Are the Kardashians’ hair extensions made out of goat hair and that’s why they’re so shiny and luminous?
6. Why did this clump of goat hair originally cost $270?
7. Why is the sale price for this clump of goat hair $161.98?
8. Isn’t that a weirdly specific amount of money for a clump of goat hair with a pin on the back?
9. What is the design process like for a goat hair brooch?
10. Did a team of high fashion designers approve this?
11. For that last question, I meant “high” as in “high-end,” but would “high” as in “stoned off their asses” be a more accurate context?
12. Was someone just like, “I have a great idea: let’s shave part of a goat and then kind of ball up the hair and glue a pin on the back and call it a goat hair brooch”?
13. Or did a brooch designer get notified that they were being laid off but their boss was like, “Hey, before you pack up your desk, could you design one more brooch for us real quick?” And they were like, “Oh I’ll design you a brooch alright!” and this was the result?
14. This definitely seems like the work of a disgruntled brooch designer, doesn’t it?
13. With what type of outfit does one wear a goat hair brooch?
14. Is a goat hair brooch more formal or casual as a general rule?
15. What is it like to live the kind of life where you have room in the budget for a $300 goat hair brooch?
16. What is the best way to recover if you see someone wearing this goat hair brooch and say, “Excuse me, you seem to have the contents of your shower drain stuck to your lapel,” thinking you’re doing them a favor, but they’re like, “I’ll have you know this is a $300 goat hair brooch”?
17. If I stuck the contents of my shower drain on a pin back, how much could I charge for it?
18. Is there a goat out there that’s missing a brooch-shaped patch of fur and is feeling very resentful about it?
19. How awkward would it be if you ran into that goat while wearing this brooch?
20. But seriously why does this exist?