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"He’s just not that into you." Ever since Miranda uttered those six little words on an episode of Sex & The City in 2003, we’ve been into “He’s just not that into you.” That episode inspired a bestselling book, which was written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and published in 2004. It also inspired a 2009 movie of the same name. He’s Just Not That Into You frankly explains why men act the way they do, in a painful but tidy package.
While acknowledging fully that the phrase perpetuates heteronormativity, it's worth asking if the points still make some sense 10 years later. Is the advice still fresh? Or is it so dated, it’s preventing you from dating? Read on for a few of the book’s finer and not-so-fine points.
"I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never too busy to get what they want."
This is so true. We all have 24 hours in a day, but there is never ever a reason he can’t call you, or even, in 2014, text you. Maybe he is really busy. Maybe he has meetings from 9-5, goes to the gym, walks the dog and passes out. But, while waiting in line at Starbucks, or even on the toilet (don’t tell me you’ve never made toilet time a multitasking experience), he could shoot you a text to say “hey, I’m super busy, but I’ll call you later when I take the dog out,” or “Hope your week is going well. Work is cray cray. Drinks this weekend?” The book is 100% correct here. The most important takeaway is “remember, men are never to busy to get what they want.” Men always find the time to play in their dodge ball league or grab drinks with their bros, but if he’s not finding the time for you, then he’s just not that into you.
"But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored."
This was obviously written before the advent of visual voicemail, but the sentiment remains the same. So many of us have been the woman described here, smitten and salivating. You meet him, you anticipate his call, email or text, and you even feel the “phantom vibration” from your phone. (You’ve totally felt that too, right?) However, when you first meet someone, sometimes you can’t not anticipate his calls because you’re smitten. But, there is a fine line between excited and obsessed. After two or three dates, if you’re still devoting too much energy to this and you make up excuses for his behavior, like “I think he mentioned he didn’t get service in his apartment,” or, “Didn’t he drop his phone when we met, maybe it’s broken, so he got a new one and the numbers didn’t transfer,” then he’s probably just not that into you.
"He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great."
Swap out “CD collection” for “iPod selection,” and you’ve got yourself some poignant advice here. If a guy sees a future with you, he will want to meet your friends, and eventually, your parents. Furthermore, he will want to introduce you to his. If your respective groups don’t mingle after a few months, he probably doesn’t see a future with you, so it means he’s just not that into you.
"Always be classy. Never be crazy."
SO. NOT. TRUE. There are a lot of men who are attracted to wacky women as a type. We all know someone who always acts like a lunatic, but always has a boyfriend; lots of men are into her. Crazy can be cute, as long as it doesn’t escalate to drama queen. Look, everyone has issues, including men. While there is a fine line, someone will love you for you and your baggage, even if you are deathly afraid of frozen yogurt and your reaction to traffic makes you a good candidate for a psych hold. If he doesn’t love you for who you are, quirks and all, then he’s just not that into you.
"He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out."
If he were into you, he’d want to go out with you and wouldn’t pussyfoot around waiting for you to ask.
"He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you."
Isn’t that a given?
What can we conclude from the wisdom of this book? If there is one tidbit to take away from He’s Just Not That Into You, it’s this: “A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.” If he loves you, nothing else matters. The only thing the book doesn’t account for is that sometimes a guy just isn’t that into you at first, and might take a few dates to warm up to you.
If you feel a spark, but aren’t sure if he does too, don’t start freaking out until after the first or second date. After that, if he’s not calling, pick up a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You—and heed its enduringly wise words.
