Sorry Apple, it’s not me; it’s you. You sneaky corporate bastards, I’ve had all I can take.
Content Notice: This article is 30% expletives.
GODMOTHERFUCKINGDAMMIT. I can’t even believe I am writing this. There has never been a more apt example of First-Fucking-World Problems as the article I am about to write.
I just broke up with Apple. Well, not all of Apple; that would be fucking suicide — but the iPhone, I did break up with the iPhone. Yes, I did. Fuck those motherfuckers at Apple and their evil goddamn global empire.
No, but seriously, this is a real legitimate breakup situation. I’m talking: bury your face in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, call your best friend and sob about what a complete prick the guy was, possibly swear to never enter into a committed partnership ever again, kind of situation.
I’ve cried four fucking times in the last 12 hours. And I was sleeping for half that time.
Sorry Apple, it’s not me; it’s you. You sneaky corporate bastards, I’ve had all I can take.
You might be asking yourself, “Jesus, Joni, if you’re that fucking emotionally destroyed over the whole situation, why in the name of Yosemite Sam did you do it?”
It’s complicated.
I had the first iPhone in 2007. We called it The iPhone because there hadn’t been ten iterations yet. (I wonder if Apple had already devised their master plan to release a phone every fucking year until they got to ten?)
I still have that phone. It is now a paperweight, but I can’t bear to throw it away. Someday it will be an artifact of a lost generation of homo sapiens who held phones in their literal hands instead of having them implanted in their brains or some other George Jetson shit.
I also have the iPhone 3, the 5, the 6S and the 7 plus (and three iPads, two MacBook Pros, a MacBook Air, half a dozen worthless piece of shit iPods, and, well, you get the idea). It’s a bloody Apple store in my house.
But that ends now.
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My husband broke up with iPhone, too. Actually, it’s him I have to blame/thank for this whole nightmare. This asshole has like some moral compass or something that makes him angry with Apple for withholding features that other manufacturers have released long ago:
- Wireless mother fucking charging.
- The crystal fucking clear OLED.
- Water resistance.
- A headphone jack that isn’t deformed as shit.
And a bunch of other shit they could have given us years ago, but refuse to because they are a bunch of bloody teases.
Don’t tell the diehards that Apple is a stingy bastard though. They’ll retort with “APPLE WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE TECHNOLOGY TO BE PERFECTED. THEY WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN PERFECTION.”
Oh? Really?
Bullshit. These fuckers knew how to make their phone charge wirelessly; they just didn’t do it because SCARCITY. In some circles this is called GASLIGHTING — or, at the very least, emotional abuse. If you and Apple went to couple's therapy, the therapist would advise you to leave. They are the most narcissistic of narcissists.
Apple is the goddamn Lularoe of smartphones. Those floral leggings you saw on the website? Sorry bitch, those don’t even exist. Sucker.
Steve Jobs would die again if he could see this broke-ass lightning charger shit. In fact, I bet Steve is hanging out with me right now in some motherfucking particles thinking,”Girl. I would have bought the Note 8, too. Fuck those Apple bastards.”
He'd also say, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED UP THE LETTER ‘I’ GODDAMMIT? CAN I TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING?”
Anyone else having this weird bug with the autosuggest keyboard in iOS 11.1? Letter is getting replaced with weird Unicode @AppleSupport pic.twitter.com/QnvBHTQk3a
— Allison Shaw (@allisonacs) November 1, 2017
That’s right, motherfuckers. You’ve got a $1000 phone that can’t accurately produce the letter ‘I.'
Ask Apple if they care.
(They don't.)
Apple announced the iPhone 8 at their annual Look-At-Us-We-Are-Better-Than-You party on September 12th.
Five minutes later, they announced the GODDAMN iPhone X.
Yep, that’s right. The iPhone 8 isn’t even out yet and these dicks have already made it obsolete.
Thanks for fucking nothing.
Also, they totally left out the iPhone 9, which is some fucked up shit. What did the number nine ever do to you, Apple?
I would like to remind you that, no matter how hard you try, you cannot turn an ‘I’ into ‘A?’, and whether you skip number 9 or not, it is still there, and everyone knows you skipped it, you shitballs.
That’s it. The bullshit ends now. Enough with Apple and their plan for Ultimate World Domination. (But not really, because we only replaced our phones. No fucking way I’m buying an HP computer.) No more waiting for September of every year for Apple to reveal what wonderful new technological gift they will offer next. I’m done with the annual stalking of UPS. There will be no more lightning fucking adapters, no more photos floating in the mysterious goddamn cloud in the sky, that I have to PAY even to have. There will be no more “STORAGE FULL” notifications.
I’m not saying this transition is going to be easy. I’ve cried two more times since I started writing this article. I just found out that three of the apps I use EVERY FUCKING DAY aren’t even available on Android (HALP: Rhonna Collage, Pic Tap Go, Canva). About 15 minutes ago, I realized that I can’t see my texts on my computer anymore BECAUSE iMESSAGE IS GONE, which is another way Apple is fucking me right up my hiney.
And as if all that isn’t enough, I’ve committed social suicide at the same time.
It’s like I excommunicated myself from the Church of Apple.
I’ve become the pitiful Green Bubble in a sea of blue. My friends must think I’ve been stranded in a desert wasteland where there isn’t so much as a bar of 4G. There are no more read receipts, no Share My Location, no more animated CONGRATULATIONS or Happy Birthday. It’s all gone. Poof motherfuckers.
And this is exactly how Apple wants it. Do you NOT SEE how craftily they have constructed a network of interdependent applications and devices? I have $200 headphones I spent an hour trying to connect to my phone this morning. Why the difficulty? Because they are MADE BY APPLE. Oh, they’d pair to my iPhone in five seconds, but I had to practically sell my fucking kidney to get the fuckers to connect to this Samsung.
I have learned something very valuable from this experience, however. We care about our phones way too fucking much. My son called me a traitor like I’m selling secrets to goddamn Russia or something. My daughter has taunted me with, “oh you’ll be back.” My friends have messaged me to say they just don’t know me anymore.
And you know what, I don’t know myself either.
What I do know is, my fucking phone is so intertwined with my, like, existence as a HUMAN BEING that I can’t even figure out how to do life without a photo editing app. And I think that is kind of ridiculous.
Put your phone down and go the fuck outside.
