Saying cis-men want more sex and women want less straight up shames us ALL.
I, as most sexual educators (self-taught or otherwise) and sex-positive journalists, have spent much of my (admittedly short) career dispelling myths about sexuality. From the proper way to put on a condom, to how a clitoris works, there is a seemingly never-ending tide of misinformation to dispel.
On the good days, it feels like we’ve made incredible strides in removing the stigma around sexual pleasure, female orgasm, sexual performance, and sex drive. On the not-so-great days, I come across something like this article from the infamous troll-haven, The Federalist, which makes the argument (without any data, but a quote from Annie Hall) that we need to admit that men have higher sex drives than women instead of pretending we’re equal.
When I read this piece a few months ago, I was caught somewhere between an eye-roll and scream scrolling through this abhorrent piece. Even though this is just another example of Internet swill, it does have an impact on people. It feels like sexual liberation and understanding often takes two steps forward, only to take three steps back.
Saying cis-men want more sex and women want less straight up shames us ALL.
What this article (and others like it) misses is the damage this kind of thinking does to both sexes. It’s not just women who suffer.
By saying all people who identify as women want less sex and men want more, you’re grossly generalizing two large groups in a way that is both scientifically inaccurate and ultimately lidded under unreasonable social pressure.
Saying cis-men want more sex and women want less straight up shames us ALL.
How this messes with women.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that every woman has experienced slut-shaming or some form of harassment in regards to her sexuality at some point in her life. In many parts of the country (and world), a woman’s libido is still largely unconsidered or recognized.
I mean, the full structure of the clitoris wasn’t even discovered until the late 90s. So, to even suggest that the majority of the world would claim that a woman’s libido is equal to a man’s is already inaccurate.
Historically, women have been seen as the guardians of the male libido. Our sex drives have been unimportant, uninteresting, and largely unstudied until recent years. Women have been told that we are the ones responsible for protecting our virtue from the wicked and insatiable male lust.
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As a highly sexual woman myself, I can say with complete certainty that this is not true. This kind of thinking puts a woman with a high libido (or any libido, TBH) in a particularly stringent position.
If you have a high sex drive, you think there must be something wrong with you. You don’t know how to talk to your partner about wanting more sex because you’ve been told you SHOULDN’T want sex.
Claiming that some women don’t have high sex drives is not only shaming in, and of itself, it is scientifically false.
It’s not great for guys, either.
Obviously, this binary focus of sexuality sucks for women, but it’s bad for men, too.
Men are told that they are the feral, wanton animals who are supposed to want to slip their penises into everything and anything they can get their hands on.
So, what happens when a man does not fit this profile? They too feel shamed. If you’re not constantly pounding down the front door of your girlfriend’s ladyflower, you’re considered less of a man.
What kind of man doesn’t want to have sex? A pussy, says society.
On top of that, men are told they shouldn’t talk about their feelings. Young boys are maneuvered towards bottling up their emotions to seem stronger. It’s a lethal combination: A feeling of sexual inadequacy and a lack of emotional literacy.
This is completely inane and obstructs the possibility for any real dialogue between the sexes.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. When a guy doesn’t want to have sex, but I do, the reaction is not to calmly sit down and talk about it to come to a solution. The reaction I get is defensiveness — the byproduct of the wounded male ego.
We’re all humans.
I’m not saying that Annie Hall didn’t have a low sex drive. I’m not saying she did want sex more than three times per week but was pretending she didn’t (though, if Woody Allen’s character knew what a clitoris was, it may have been a different story).
What we absolutely must recognize is that we are human beings who do NOT fit into these absurd suffocating boxes that are supposed to dictate our sexuality.
Some women have high sex drives; some men have low sex drives; some women have low sex drives, some men have high sex drives.
It’s not the 1950s anymore. It’s time to get a grip and let human beings live their lives and get laid as much as they do or do not want to without shame.
