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It did not solve all of my problems. It did not make the reality of this deep hurt go away. But it did make me feel more like myself, which I'd begun to fear I would never feel again.
I love what it feels like when I dive into a cold pool on a hot day. I write dirty jokes on the internet. I follow four kitten accounts on Instagram. I have hope. I never thought I would be able to say that. I also happen to have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I first went on disability when I lived in Rochester, New York.
I have to accept the fact that Black men are not allowed to deal with their mental health issues — specifically personality and schizoaffective disorders. The man I considered a deadbeat dad for most of my life is a victim too.
I thought that my drive to perfectionism was warranted and desirable. "I am just doing what I have to do" — that's the mantra I used to motivate myself to continue to be productive, especially when I was feeling tired and tense.
I don’t look at all like the portrayals of these killers Hollywood never seems to tire of writing into movies and series. But I do have paranoid schizophrenia.
Hormones cause me to amble through an unrelenting fog, a fog that takes over my life for two weeks out of each calendar month.
That’s the great thing about books where the world ends: you can close them and look up to see a world that miraculously managed not to end while you were busy reading. You can hop back into the fray of that still-turning, still-suffering world and maybe make your own Magic Vessel Of Flickering Empathy Waiting For Lost And Lonely Souls To Find while you’re at it. Ironic as it may be, that magic is part of the glue that holds humans together.
In addition to being a professional sex coach, Myisha is also the host of “Down For Whatever,” a podcast that explores any and every aspect of human sexuality.
