Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Wants A Threesome And I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Dear Erin,

My girlfriend that I have been with for almost two years is talking about having a threesome with another girl. 

I honestly don’t want to do it. I respect her desire to want it but I don’t, and I have made it clear that I don’t want a threesome with another girl or guy. I just want her and me. She wants to spice up our sex life by having a threesome with another girl. 

She has come to accept that. She understands that I don’t want that type of sexual activity, but I feel like she might try to do something with another girl behind my back or maybe just have a threesome with two other people. 

Should I continue this relationship or just come to an end? 

I love her very much, but I’m not willing to go that far. It’s too much stress for me; I’m too much of a jealous person, so I don’t know what to do. 

What do you think? 

Thank you.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get this question a lot, or some variation of this question. 

Threesomes, open relationships, swinging, polyamory — all of these variations that exist outside of the standard monogamous relationship — are valid explorations for a couple, IF both parties want to explore. 

That is is the crucial part. 

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting a threesome, nor is there anything wrong with her for wanting to try one. 

Maybe you’re just not right for each other in the long-term. I know that can be a hard thing to confront, but it’s not the end of the world. You have both expressed what you want, and those wants don’t match up. 

What you need to do is have an open conversation to discern if her desire to spice things up is mutable — meaning, would either of you be open to trying out other things — role play, some kink, etc. Putting variety in your sex life is not a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to involve a third party. 

Ask her to be honest with you about what it is she really wants. If it’s about exploring threesomes and/or having sex with a woman, that is a different scenario. Again, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting those things, just as there is nothing wrong with you not wanting them. 

You may find that you would be happier in a relationship with someone who wants the same things as she may too. What I don’t want you to do is end things without clarifying what is she wants — spice or another person in the bedroom. 

The key here is open, honest, and clear communication, and that starts with being honest with yourself. 

I have a feeling that you and your partner will be able to sort this out and come to a mutual decision about what’s going to be best for each of you.