Image credit: Mariah Aro Sharp @mightymooseart
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I did the unthinkable.
I love my ex, but he did things to hurt me in the past. I let it build up over time. But the last thing he did sent me over the edge. He finally opened up to me about not being faithful and was now ready to be faithful.
Before that happened, I was so mad, and I ran up his credit card to a tune of maybe $2,600.00.
Now, he’s saying he's done and doesn’t want to be with me.
I won't get him back, will I?
A.
Have you heard the expression “two wrongs don’t make a right?”
Well, that definitely applies here.
When you get into a tit for tat, vengeful mode in a relationship, I have learned that it is quite difficult to recover from that. Piling unhealthy behavior on top of a toxic situation fixes nothing.
It’s a bit like pouring gasoline onto an active fire. You’re just gonna make it burn down faster.
It sounds like your relationship wasn't in great shape, to begin with. You mentioned that your ex did things that repeatedly hurt you and he admitted that he cheated on you.
Running up his credit card without his knowledge/permission was wrong. His infidelity and other unspecified hurtful behavior were also wrong.
So, what are you trying to save?
It’s easy to get caught up in the moment of holding on to something we are losing. We hold on to relationships and people who are no good for us out of fear — usually a fear of not being loved by anyone ever again.
I promise you; you will find love again. (And hopefully much healthier love, preferably after you’ve seen a therapist, so you don't repeat this pattern in your next relationship.)
In a way, you’ve done yourself a favor. By hurting him via his wallet (which, again, I don’t condone), hopefully, you have sealed the deal on this one. Because as much as you FEEL like you want him back… trust me, you don’t want him back.
Give yourself some time and space to heal from this. Lean on your friends, learn how to have fun with yourself again, and I encourage you to seek some therapy or support through a peer group. (You can email me back for resources in your area.)
I am 100% certain that a few months from now, you will be looking at this situation differently and be thankful that you’re no longer in a relationship that was making you feel bad all the time.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, infidelity, friendship, divorce, Rose Quartz, reproductive issues, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
