"I was and still am in love with him, but I knew he didn't feel the same way. So I thought I'd try and move on. I never told him how I felt, though."
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
I had a falling out with a male friend two years ago, and I want to patch things up. I really want to talk to him again, but I don't know how he'd respond if I sent him a message. Part of me is too scared to reach out to him, just in case he ignores me.
The reason we had a falling out is actually my fault because I stopped talking to him out of the blue. I was and still am in love with him, but I knew he didn't feel the same way. So I thought I'd try and move on. I never told him how I felt, though.
I miss him so much. We have so many great memories together, and we've known each other since high school. I'm 23, and he's 22.
I don't want to just throw what we had away, and I know we can't just go back to the way we were, but I just don't know where to start and what to say. I believe I'm mature enough to be friends with him despite my feelings for him. I know it will be tough, but I just want him back in my life again. Please help me.
A.
If you are genuinely interested in rekindling a friendship with this person, then you have nothing to lose in reaching out and reconnecting.
But, I don’t think friendship is what you’re seeking.
You admittedly are still in love with him. I believe that it will be difficult for you to have only a friendship. This is why, although I am a firm believer that we can remain friends with exes, you need time to get over the romantic or intimate part of the relationship before you can truly be friends.
That said, you have nothing to lose in being honest with him and letting him know the truth — about why you ghosted him and what your feelings are.
You owe it yourself to be transparent with your feelings. What do you have to lose? Nothing.
He’s not in your life now. If you reach out, tell him how you feel, and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, then you have not lost anything. You’ve gained information that can allow you to move on.
On the flip side, if the feelings are mutual, how awesome would that be?! And you won’t know unless you are willing to put yourself out there.
Remember, the worst thing that could happen is that you feel momentarily embarrassed and let down. But, you will be so much better off than hiding your feelings, wondering what if, and being paralyzed to move forward in either direction — towards or away.
You can do this. Be honest and clear. Don’t walk into communication lying to yourself about what your real intentions are.
I promise that the relief of being truthful will be tremendous.
If you have a question for me about relationships, breakups, boundaries, friendship, sex, bunny rabbits, Pink (Mangano) Calcite, Season Four of Fresh Meat, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
