Doesn't that look delicious? Image: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Biscuits-and-gravy.jpg">Wikipedia</a>
I try to describe the horrors of the ‘Dollop of Daisy’ sour cream ads, and the visceral reaction I get just thinking about oozing mayo (in fact, I’m going to stop writing now so I can go vomit).
Usually when people ask about my food habits, I summarize and say that I don’t eat anything white.
That isn’t precisely true, but it is the shortest version. I eat white rice pretty much every day, but that’s about it. I hate white foods. As a child, I could eat cereal in a bowl with milk, but only if I ate it fast (you know, before the mushy happened). I vividly recall a junior high school morning when I was off my game and left my cereal alone long enough so that the flakes congealed. I missed the bus because I refused to consume the slop in my bowl.
I know I didn’t back down, because I’m getting a gag reflex right now just thinking about it. My dad finally took me to school, several hours later. Pretty sure that was the end of white foods for me.
To this day, I won’t eat:
- Mayonnaise
- Cottage cheese
- Cream cheese
- Any soft cheese
- Yogurt
- Cream of mushroom/chicken/anything else soup
- Cream
- Half and half
- Whipped cream
- Miracle Whip
- Fluffy egg things
- Soufflé (even chocolate)
- Queso fresco
- Crema
- Fondue
- Sour cream
- Creamy dips
- Even fruit-flavored ones
I try to describe the horrors of the ‘Dollop of Daisy’ sour cream ads, and the visceral reaction I get just thinking about oozing mayo (in fact, I’m going to stop writing now so I can go vomit).
…
Ditto anyone putting mayo on bread, in life or in a movie. The gloopy sound dairy products make when sliding out of a container? Death itself.
Why? I don’t know. Textures are my main deterrent in trying exotic cuisine — that and if they contain any white food components. Sometimes I can muscle through if I wasn't the cook and never saw the sour cream actually getting added to the recipe, but most of the time, I just stick with foods that couldn't possibly jiggle or squish or drip in a creamy, creepy way, and as the list above proves, a whole lot of white foods are also slimy.
There are a whole lot of white foods out there — cauliflower! potatoes! so many ice cream flavors! — but I make do. Instead of an ambrosia salad, I just do the classic fruit kind. It doesn't stretch as far, which is why, I think, most things got creaminess added in the first place. But in my defense, no one thinks casseroles are a good idea — they are effective at making food last for more people, and I think that’s about it.
My hatred of white foods is apparently more widespread than I realized, but that is still of little comfort to me. Even when face-to-face with a fluffy omelet, I’d still rather eat a spoonful of dirt.