My poor, authoritarian conservative father nearly had a heart attack. Image: Youtube screenshot.
All I want to do is make love to you...
My sisters and I got in trouble one Saturday as we pulled weeds in our backyard garden. We were singing a popular song we’d heard from the radio, belting out the lyrics in the summer sun.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’m keeping my baby
My poor, authoritarian conservative father nearly had a heart attack. We, of course, didn’t know what his problem was and chalked it up as another weird dad thing.
Driving home from errands a few days ago I stopped listening to NPR as they discussed the presidential election, finding another station with ‘classics from the 80’s, 90’s and today.’
A song burned into the neural pathways of my brain came through the speakers, taking me back in time to another world.
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I want to do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
Singing along, I was glad to be alone in my car. No children around to ruin my fun.
But the mom vibe is strong. I couldn’t listen to Heart’s words without hearing them from the perspective of a Middle-Aged Mom.
AIWDIMLTY (worst acronym/longest title ever) is a ballad — you know, it tells a story.
And what a story it is. Apparently, a woman picks up a hitchhiker.
Unlike every person I’ve seen on the side of the road with a thumb out, this time was different. Love at first sight, according to the song.
No words are necessary: She simply drives them to a hotel and they get busy.
If this wasn’t set to music, this would be an after-school special about the risks you take when you get in cars with strangers.
In a nice twist of gender equality, the woman leaves him just a note in the morning; she wants to be clear that this was a one-time thing.
Then we have some heavy handed gardening wordsmithery that only the very savvy listener will be able to decode:
I told him
I am the flower, you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree
Fast forward some amount of time in the future, enough time for you to get over the weirdness of this encounter. I get the feeling the sex wasn’t that great, since she seems to be overselling it a bit.
Bombshell: They meet again. Just like in a movie, full of surprised faces and longing glances. And even more — a child. Their child.
Isn’t that sweet? Don’t be mad, dude, I used you for sperm and then didn’t have the decency to tell you. Still, I’d like to never see you again or talk about this. You understand, right?
You probably need to watch the video to truly feel the passion of this song. After this, I’m not going to be able to complain about Meghan Trainor and having to teach my son that “All About That Bass” is talking about girls with big booties.
At least it’s a little more subtle than Heart.
