Recently, I asked him ‘where he sees himself in five years.’ He answered back with some joke.
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We have a pretty good relationship, rarely fight, and I love him. However, he has no ambition and it’s really starting to bother me.
When I met him, I had just finished grad school and he was working retail. As my career has advanced, he has continued to go from low-end job to low-end job. He is extremely smart, had a full ride in college, but ended up dropping out even though he was walking away from his scholarship.
Recently, I asked him ‘where he sees himself in five years.’ He answered back with some joke. For me, this isn’t about the money, as I am doing well for myself, but it’s his lack of ambition for ANYTHING that makes me question if this is a man I could spend my life with.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m at the age when I want to think about long-term. He has talked in a fantasy sort of way about us getting married, but I cannot see myself marrying him, unless this improves. Yet, I don't want to break up either. I love him, but I feel like something is missing. I want a partner that I can plan with, set goals with, not have someone who is just along for whatever life brings them.
Am I being unfair to him? Or am I being unfair to myself? What should I do?
A.
It’s a difficult place to be — where despite how much you may love your partner — your goals and values don’t match up.
You are correct to be questioning where you go from here.
There’s nothing wrong with where either of you are coming from. Being content in his lifestyle seems to work for him. And, your ambition and goals in life are equally valid. That doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, but it’s not a relationship that sounds like it’s destined to work.
My husband and I have very different personalities. Fortunately, I believe we complement each other. Most importantly, as we became serious with each other, the most important component that made us click was that our values were in sync. We wanted the same things. Our visions for the future lined up. I think this is of vital importance for a happy and healthy relationship.
Ultimately, it will be up to you to decide when it’s not working anymore. Based on your question, it sounds like you already know in your heart that it’s time to move on. Many of us, myself included, have spent time in relationships where there was love, but something was missing, something that ultimately could not be avoided.
Know that you can let go with love. Know that you may be able to have a friendship with this man at some point, even if that takes some time.
Know that being fair means being honest with each other about what you want and need from a relationship, and that you deserve those things.
I believe you will figure this out. Stay honest with yourself, stay open, and follow your gut.
If you have a question for me about love, life, liberty, sex, the pursuit of happiness, parenting, Bastille Day, Alabama, biscuits, or anything at all, email me: rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
