I’d rather let it happen organically than feel forced by circumstance.
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I recently met a woman while on a business trip. She is the friend of a mutual friend who lives in that city.
We really hit it off and have stayed in touch the past six weeks, emailing, texting, and talking on the phone. It’s clear there is an attraction, and we’ve talked about one of us traveling to see each other. She said she’d like to come visit, was going to book a flight and hotel, etc.
Over the weekend she said she had to talk to me about something. I thought she was going to say she wasn’t coming. She said that money is very tight for her right now, and she’d rather not spring for a hotel. She asked if she could stay with me.
The thing is, I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I suggested that I could come visit her for the weekend, but she still wants to come here. Of course, I wouldn’t object to sharing a bed with her, but something keeps giving me pause. I genuinely like her and want to be a gentleman about it.
I was going to offer to pay for a hotel for her, so that there’s no pressure and we can see what happens. Obviously if the chemistry is there and we are both interested in moving forward physically, then we may end up in bed after all. But, I’d rather let it happen organically than feel forced by circumstance.
I talked to a friend about it and she said, “Stop being silly and just let her stay with you!”
What do you think?
A.
Let’s touch on the immediate issue first.
I appreciate that you are concerned with making sure she’s comfortable.
A little consideration goes a long way, particularly early on in dating.
Offer to pay for the hotel if she would be more comfortable staying there. I can see the appeal, because it does lend itself to a more normal dating experience rather than jumping in to what may feel like insta-relationship. You can let her know that you are happy either way to have her as a houseguest or put her up in her own room.
(This is assuming you are truly comfortable having her as a houseguest, because if you’re in a city like NYC, you may have limited space, which can make things, like the bathroom, a little too close for comfort this early on.)
Having clear communication about this from the start is a good way to lay the foundation for a healthy relationship, no matter how casual or committed the relationship ends up being. If she ends up staying with you, you can continue to give her the same consideration on what she’s comfortable with in terms of the sleeping arrangements.
Being a “gentleman,” which simply means being aware and respectful of the other person, is an attractive asset. Don’t doubt that.
The second aspect that I must address is to be aware of what you are getting yourself in to and what your intentions are, particularly because this is a long-distance relationship.
I have been in my fair share of LDRs, and in retrospect, I can see that I chose those situations because they allowed emotional distance for me, meaning that on some level I had an easy out.
I’m not saying that’s the case for either of you, but I do think it’s worth thinking about.
So, give her a call, get clear on what she’s comfortable with and what you’re looking for, and enjoy your weekend together.
If you have a question for me about dating, sex, marriage, divorce, Trivial Pursuit, parenting, Mister Softee, kittens, dominoes, or anything at all, email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com.
