Skim Milk Might Kill You

Because I didn’t use butter (really, never— so many sad baked potatoes) I felt like Twizzlers were my due. The two things aren’t technically connected, except in the recesses of my mind.

Visiting my parents one time, I started going through their pictures of me as a baby.

When I started flipping through my baby book, though, my amusement at my giant bald baby head turned to shock.

Instead of charming anecdotes about my first words or learning to walk at eight months (genius, even then!), I read how my mama was feeding me skim milk — because she was worried I'd get fat.

FYI: Babies need full-fat milk. It is how their brains grow.

I can only wonder what my life would have been like with a fully functioning brain that hadn’t been starved of the fat it needed.

Lest I sound bitter, I get where my mom was coming from. She’s struggled with her relationship to her weight since she was a very young child, and I know she wanted to protect me from hardship. Reading recent research about skim versus whole milk, though, brought my baby trauma flooding back.

The findings, in summary: Full-fat dairy may be “healthier” for you than low-fat dairy.

“May” be, as in, probably is, like with numbers and science and stuff. Researchers did not expect “fat-conscious” drinkers of (creepy, blue-hued) skim milk to show higher rates of diabetes — but that's just what they found.

Science folks may have been surprised, but only because they don’t have access to my damaged brain, which totally knows what’s going on: You choose skim milk to have for breakfast with your cereal or toast or whatever people eat. This seems like a good decision to start your day. So then you can eat that muffin... or get a brownie with your lunch... or whatever your little treat may be.

Problem is, skim milk only “saves” a few dozen calories and couple grams of fat. Anything you actually want to eat? Much higher numbers.

The math doesn’t really add up.

From age 12 to 32 (approximately), I only ever ate toast dry. No butter.

No butter on anything.

This little act of sacrifice made me feel virtuous and health-conscious. Considered rationally, this makes no sense.

Eating no butter or lots of butter actually has nothing to do with a moral compass.

Also, because I didn’t use butter (never, really — so many sad baked potatoes) I felt like Twizzlers were my due.

The two things aren’t technically connected, except in the recesses of my mind.

So folks, here’s my lecture for today:

• Eat real food, when you can.

• If you prefer skim milk because lactose coats your mouth and makes you want to barf, that’s fine.

• If you are drinking that crud thinking it will change the shape of your body and make you live forever? Hate to burst your bubble — it's not going to happen.