My favorite thing about being mentally ill, aside from the random emotional lability and people never taking you seriously because you're “crazy,” is the medication.
Zoloft.
Xanax.
My med organizer is basically a candy dish — at least that colorful, but not as delicious.
Pharmaceuticals keep me (mostly) sane. And alive. I’m grateful for that. Mostly.
I don’t ever miss wanting to die. I don’t miss the self-loathing that is a byproduct of the guilt of the feeling of wanting to die. I don’t miss the hopelessness, the frustration, the certainty that everyone knows how inept I am (they’re just waiting for me to fall on my face so they can say, “I told you so”).
I do miss being horny. Like HORNY HORNY. I miss feeling the sexual fire smoldering in that place where sexual fires smolder — be it a real or imagined actual location.
I admit, some of this might be age-related. But whether it’s age or medication effects or Mercury in retrograde, it’s bullshit.
And by bullshit, I mean BULLSHIT.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some suggestions. Some of them are a little graphic. You’ve been warned.
1. Lotion-y and lube-y things
I like this one. I don’t know what’s in it. The ingredients look innocuous enough, but it is more than it appears. OK? Just trust me.
2. Dude, porn.
I have Feelings about porn. I wonder when I see porn if anyone was harmed or coerced into making it. So I try to source it in a way that I hope is ethical. The Lady Cheeky on tumblr is a good place to start, but I’m not going to link it because I don’t want to set off everyone’s work browser warnings.
Anyway. Porn. Watch it with your partner. That’s fun. If watching other people do the dirty isn’t arousing, well, sorry. That’s really unfortunate.
3. TOYS!
THIS IS SUCH A GIMME.
Here’s a fun chart to help you find one.
4. THIS TOY SPECIFICALLY.
It’s called Fiera and God bless America it is MAGIC.
It’s not a vibe, though it does make a little vibe-y sound.
Basically, it’s a clitorial suction cup. That sounds weird, I know, but the Fiera people sent me one and I was like, “Whatever. That’s just a vibrator.”
NOPE. NOT JUST A VIBRATOR.
The thing about this thing is it’s not going to make you orgasm. It’s going to just like gently stir things up in all your happy places. There are more things I can say about this but they aren't appropriate for this format. It is costly. It is worth it.
5. If you’re perimenopausal, this stuff.
It’s progesterone cream. Will it return your sex-drive to its previously ravenous state? I don’t know but it may very well balance your hormones enough that you at least don’t want to murder your partner for a week out of every month. Also if you’re having funky bleeding that is interrupting the deed, this might solve that.
Go forth and multiply! Or just have sex. Either of those.
