She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Dear Erin,
I need help.
OK. So, here’s the deal: I’m a lesbian. I have/had this girlfriend for two months, who came out as poly like one and a half weeks ago.
I totally broke down over this. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t enough for her. I felt useless and worried that she would break up with me because I'm not good enough. I fell very hard into a deep depression and I was in a lot of emotional pain.
After a few days, I’d had enough. I was literally going to kill myself. Late one night, I told her about how I felt. She was really great about it. She comforted me, told me how much she loved me, and that she would never break up with me because "I'm not enough.”
I felt so much better after that and I felt happiness for the first time. I didn't kill myself because she loved me. I can't do that to someone I love. (She didn't know that I was going to kill myself that night.)
But then comes that morning, the one when I woke up to a break-up message from her and that was it. I cried for two days straight and I was literally hopeless.
Now like a week after I'm still not feeling better. I want her back. I still love her as much as I always have and I'm more depressed than ever. I don't know what to do and I would love to get help because this isn't working anymore. Soon, I will have only one option left. Please help.
A.
I am so glad you are reaching out for help. I have been there; I know what it feels like to believe that suicide is the best or only option. But, that feeling is not a fact.
In regards to your relationship and your ex-girlfriend, let’s put that aside for the moment. Your overwhelming depression is the bigger issue right now. While the breakup may be the catalyst, these suicidal feelings would probably have manifested themselves at some point on the heels of some other emotional crisis.
There are a few points I want to make, from my own experiences with depression and suicidal ideation.
You won't feel this way forever. This may sound trite, you may have heard this before, but it’s true. Even in my darkest years when I felt more bad than good, there was no feeling, no matter how terrible, that remained the same.
There is help and it’s available immediately. There are resources out there, around the world, that provide immediate crisis intervention. You can even chat with someone online. If you email me back with your exact location, I can point you to local resources in your area.
Keep talking. Whether you reach out to me again, or reach out to friends or family, please keep talking. Let people know you’re in pain, that you need help. We so often do a better job of hiding these things than we know. I recall in high school, I had a day when I was extremely low and a friend of mine said “It’s so weird to see you like this, because you’re always so happy.” I was someone who had tried to kill herself at least three times at this point. You get the idea.
Continue to seek help, after the immediate crisis. Sometimes, we barely make it through these darkest moments, and then on the other side we forget to do the work, to seek the help we need, so that we don’t find ourselves here again. Getting help may include therapy, medication, and Various forms of self-care. Again, if you need resources in your area, please email me and I would be happy to help.
I get how much pain you are in and know how overwhelming it must feel. There is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. Don’t stop reaching out for help. And please remember, that there are so many other people who have felt what you are feeling now. You can get through this. There is hope. 3
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please seek immediate help. In addition to the link I gave above, there are other places that can provide immediate resources.
If you have a question for me about love, parenting, sex, depression, breakups, The Tunnel, yogurt breakfast popsicles, essential oils, or anything at all, email me at rarelywrongerin@gmail.com. As always,
