Just Say No To Baby Tech

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if there’s any part of my life I’d like to keep pure, it's babies.

There are wonderful inventions in the world: carbonation, antidepressants, modern dental work, disposable diapers.

Then there are things that receive patents, funding, and accolades — but never should have made the jump from someone’s subconscious to the real world.

I want to share with you today two such things:

1. The Hatch Baby Smart Changing Pad

“This innovative and modern twist on the traditional changing pad helps parents accurately track their babies' growth, feedings, diapers, and sleep on their smartphones.”

I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just coming right out with it: You don’t need that much data.

I get it — I was a first-time mom once too. It felt like knowing every measurement was a tangible way to show I wasn’t breaking the kid.

Except in specific circumstances (which your doctor will mention), you don’t need to keep track of all this. You just don’t.

If you do, you will be freaked out by slight variations that are actually completely normal.

Most things involved with having a tiny baby are terrifying. They are fragile and really weird.

Keeping track of everything they do — and syncing that info to your smartphone — will make your brain full of not-useful stuff.

2. The Versame Starling

“The Starling is a smart little device that tracks the number of words your baby hears and says each day.”

Cold baby wipes on the bum? Seemed like something that would make a kid cry. So, for a while, I was thinking a baby wipe warmer. Veteran moms told me that I’d never use it, so I ultimately took their advice to heart. If I ever have a baby while living in Greenland? I’ll buy the device.

That’s how I feel about Starling: Cool. End of story.

I get how we want to make our kids successful and everything, right from the start. Feeding into the pressure, here’s the tagline from Starling’s company: “The world’s first word-tracking system that can improve your child’s trajectory for life.”

There’s research. I don’t care. I have a master’s degree in multicultural education, so I know all about language acquisition and development and blah blah blah.

Listen up: You don’t need this.

All it will do is give you more information, but you already have access to this information — without tech.

Apparently the Consumer Electronics Show has a whole thing about baby tech. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if there’s any part of my life I’d like to keep pure, it's babies.

They’ll be monitored enough in life — why add to it? Can’t they just eat their chubby fists for a while?

Some parenting tech is wonderful and life-saving. I’m talking about monitors for breathing and seizure activity that can let you sleep a little easier. And digital cameras — how did grandparents survive when they couldn’t take photos so easily? Talk about the dark ages.

As for the rest of it — skip baby tech.

That tiny body that will triple in size over the first year? That’s the real innovation to keep your eyes on.