Statue of David. Image: Michelangelo
I am not a totally creepy person who privately remembers and celebrates Wil’s birthday. Someone else told me about it.
Wil Wheaton is the anti-hero we all need, and probably deserve.
July 29th was Wil Wheaton’s birthday, and while I am usually pretty good at remembering my friends’ birthdays (thanks Facebook!), I did not remember his. Not for any malicious, or even apathetic reasons: I simply didn’t know it was his birthday until today.
I mean, we aren't friends and I have never met him, or his lovely wife Anne, or his sons Nolan and Ryan, or anyone in their circles. I'm not even following him on Twitter (but his handle is @wilw if you want to. Creeper.). I have no relation to Wil Wheaton, I don’t know anyone who knows him, and I know he didn't have pancakes for breakfast yesterday, assuming he even posts those kind of things on Twitter. Which I wouldn't know because I told you I don't follow him on Twitter.
I did read his book, Just A Geek, but just because it was a REALLY great book.
Stalking his birthday might be a little creepy. If I was in to that sort of thing. I mean making a birthday cake on July 29th, setting it on top of my kitchen table a la 16 Candles and turning the lights down low while slowly whispering . . .”Happy Birthday Wil.”
See? Creepy. I would never do that.
I am not a totally creepy person who privately remembers and celebrates Wil’s birthday. Someone else told me about it.
And someone else told me about “Don’t Be A Dick” Day, dedicated by our very own anti-hero, Mr. Wheaton, for his birthday wish.
I had no idea. Also I had no idea he went to UCLA and roomed with Chris Hardwick. No idea.
Ahem. Moving on to the matter at hand.
Now, Wil keeps it pretty clear in regards to the rules of the day:
Q: How do I celebrate Don’t Be A Dick Day?
"Don't be a dick!"
Pretty straightforward! Simple, clear and easy to follow.
I have dicks in my life. I recently had lunch with a person I am not totally wild about. I swear, the guy will interrupt you every time you are trying to say something, and halfway into the lunch I just stopped talking. And I hate giving up on a conversation, but I also hate being dismissed with condescending, monosyllabic responses for an hour.
“Mmhmm. OK. Mmhmm. OK, so what I was saying . . .” OMG, just let me say one thing. One thing.
I am trying to be a decent person through the conversation, but after a while I just start saying, "Mhm."
Wait, am I being a dick? OMG, I am being a dick. Or am I being bitchy? What is the difference? Is there a difference? Is one worse than the other? Am I being an asshole? Should I consult urbandictionary.com?
It appears that being bitchy is more of a temporary moment. As Urban Dictionary says, bitchy is “an adjective that's supposed to be used to describe someone irritable, moody and whiny," while being a dick is more of a long-term behavior, “conducting oneself in an inappropriate manner to the annoyance of others.”
(P.S.: If anyone shouts, “You’re an asshole!” and storms off. You're probably just an asshole.)
In conclusion.
Anatomy of a Dick
1. Your Drama: You are being a dick if you intentionally create drama in a friendly conversation. You argue about everything from politics to career choices to shoe choices, to the quality of people around you to the quality of the pizza you ordered. No one cares about your opinions regarding pepperoncinis on pizza.
2. Your Body: You are being a dick if you can’t stop hitting someone on the shoulder, slapping the other person on the back, or generally invading other peoples’ personal space, even after they've asked you to stop. Side hugs are the worst, and classic dick body language.
3. Your Words: You are being a dick if you use your words to break down the other person by demeaning them with condescending language. Constantly interrupting people, ignoring what others have said and dismissing comments as stupid are all dick moves. Hold on, I’ma let you finish . . . but, no.
4. Your Behavior: Do you have to be right all the time? Does everyone around know that you think you have to be right all the time? Are you overly arrogant with little to no empathy for other people, yet need the constant verbal approval of those around you? Do you think you deserve special treatment in life, and throw a tantrum when it doesn’t happen? Dick.
5. Your Relationships: You are being a dick if you believe the relationship revolves around you and your happiness. It doesn't. The end.
So, with all this under our belts, let us come together and continue to celebrate Wil Wheaton’s birthday wishes: Don’t be a dick!
Here are some kittens with magical butterflies. Go forth and be awesome.
