Make no mistake: shesahomewrecker.com is a revenge site in its most desperate form.
The damage is more than done.
For Mark, not only did his wife cheat on him, but the other half of the scorned party—the woman whose husband cheated with Mark's wife—has taken to shesahomewrecker.com to publicly humiliate Mark's (now) ex wife, publishing her full name, location, pictures, and all kinds of sordid details on her "profile." Along with arguably cruel remarks amounting to defamation of character (from the way she smells to her parenting skills), she has been ridiculed, with fellow-bully commenters gathering around to follow suit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And misery sure does love company.
While the desire to shame someone in a public way following a breach of trust is understandable—there is lingering hope that perhaps the scorned party will feel redeemed and that the transgresser may learn a lesson—this kind of communal shaming deserves to be condemned. They say revenge is sweet, an eye for an eye is just desserts, and all's fair in love and war. But the truth behind those ancient toxic axioms is that hurt merely begets more hurt.
Make no mistake: Shesahomewrecker.com is a revenge site in its most desperate form.
Marks brings an unheard perspective to bear on the situation. Yes, his wife cheated on him, and yes they are now divorced. But the pain of his ex-wife being outed on shesahomewrecker has continued to wreak havoc, and rippling waves of damage, to an already fragile family trying to pick up the pieces. We caught up with Mark to ask him about this experience.
Mark, how did seeing your ex-wife's profile on shesahomewrecker.com affect you?
I have spent the past 3 years working to accept that our marriage was over and coming to terms with the fact that my wife was unfaithful. The profile brought the hurt, pain, and shame back to the surface for me. The website links to Facebook, and I was alerted to the profile by a mutual friend of my ex-wife and mine. The profile had been added to shesahomewrecker.com, and then a link to it was posted on Facebook and sent to the contacts in my ex-wife's friend's list.
Through a desire to protect my ex and our children, I had previously shared the circumstances of our divorce with only a handful of close friends. My family was unaware, although I debated many times whether or not to tell them. As terrible as her actions were, I wanted to work this out ourselves and wanted as few people as possible to know about it, as I am a fairly private person. I also felt a great deal of shame that my marriage had failed and that another man had taken my place.
As a result of the profile being posted, my family members and many of my friends—who remain in contact with my ex—are now aware of what happened. Not only that, but they have read the sordid details. These details were certainly terrible and caused me a lot of pain, but they were actions that I have had time to process, to seek therapy for, and to try to understand the reasons behind. For somebody reading about the affair for the first time, the understandable reaction is one of anger and disgust. While today's society has less traditional families, this has divided mine and it will never be the same. Our attempts to successfully co-parent and to co-exist with each other's in-laws and other family members has been harmed; many people no longer want any interaction with my ex—the mother of my children. As upsetting as this is to me and as humiliating as it is to her, it is my children who will ultimately suffer the most.
I reached out to the ex-wife of the man who had the affair and told her that although I completely understand her pain, this was a vicious, personal attack and was one of the most harmful actions she could have taken. I asked her to take it down, but I have not received a response. My attempts to get the profile removed from the website by appealing to the common decency of the site administrators, as well as my attempts to get the profile on Facebook, which was used to distribute this (and other) links, were also rebuffed. Facebook has told me, in a generic response, that it was not in "violation of Community Standards." Standards that specifically state bullying and harassment are not tolerated. They claim to "remove content that appears to purposefully target private individuals with the intention of degrading or shaming them."
What advice would you give to others that are going through infidelity?
When I found out about the cheating, my initial reaction was of course one of anger. I had to restrain myself from confronting the man. Much of the blame (some would say most) did rest with my wife, but the other party is a much easier target. Over the course of two years we tried to repair our marriage, but I now understand (from reading the profile) that the affair was continuing the whole time. I eventually came to the realization that if they were serious about each other—which they seem to be—he was going to be a part of my life too. My children would be spending a lot of time with him, and I would inevitably cross paths with him as a matter of course. I reached out and asked him to have a beer with me, and found that I actually enjoyed his company. I believe his remorse (and my ex-wife's) is genuine. We are never going to be buddies, but it is important that we can be civil and spend time in each other's company.
For the sake of my ex—who I still love (how can you not, after 10 years of marriage?)—and most of all my children, we are going to make it work. This cruel shaming of them, whether warranted or not (I can see how others will have differing opinions), has only served to bring additional pain and hurt to everybody involved. At some point, we have to forgive and move on with our lives, because they are too short to hold on to such anger. At what time is somebody allowed to move past their past indiscretions and live a normal, happy life? For my ex, a Google search of her name immediately brings up this profile. With the permanent record that the Internet provides, she may never be able to put this behind her.
