Naughty, naughty boy. You like baseball bats? (Credit: ThinkStock)
So you know how we always tell you to question the results of scientific studies? New research sending shock waves through the intrawebs is the latest proof of just how true this is.
Though the study in question (conducted by a team of universities in Brazil) was published last spring, the Internet is exploding with new "knowledge" that (duh-duh-duh) the woman-on-top sexual position is the most dangerous ever for heterosexual couples!
Freaking out? Don't.
Allow us to walk you through.
The Study
The data from the study was, shall we say, limited. The information was gathered by a team of hospitals in Brazil. Researchers tracked all the men who came in with symptoms of penile fracture over a period of three years, which proved to be only 44 woeful dudes. If you think that number is kinda small, consider that it was determined after inspection that two of the men didn't even actually have a penile fracture. So now we're at 42. Of the 42, 28 were engaging in heterosexual, penetrative sex. Six were enjoying "penile manipulation" (we're guessing masturbation, blow job, or the dreaded handjob). Four were engaging in sex with men. A mysterious four additional men declined to state what the hell they were doing. (We are intrigued.)
Small sample size, much? Given these parameters, only 14 men in the group experienced a penile fracture when savoring lady-on-top sexytime. Eight claimed they were doing it doggy-style. Six went missionary-traditional and were on top at the time. Of the four men injured during sex with another man, it was split evenly: Two injured men took their partners doggy-style, and the other two were on top.
And . . . that's it. Based on what happened to 14 guys, a "woman-on-top sex is the most dangerous ever!" bogeyman was born.
Though the 14 patients comprised 50% of the sample, let's repeat: It's just not significant enough to draw such lofty conclusions. So many other factors—like kink play, speed, location, role play, sex toy mishaps, loss of erection, allergies to sex products, unexpected natural disaster—could have led to the penile fractures. Had this study included more exploration and subjects, we may have been able to draw better conclusions.
But it didn't.
Furthermore, giving your partner feedback ("too much," "slower," "WHY IS YOUR FINGER THERE??" etc.) can prevent many injuries. So can some basic common sense.
Our Advice
Obviously, Cosmopolitan just loves the woman-on-top position, since apparently, it makes the man last longer (more of that, please!) It also advises that women exercise some very common-sense caution: Basically, be aware of where his penis is at all times, and behave accordingly. If he slips half out, stop and wait until he's all the way back in. When turning around to rock some reverse cowgirl, move slowly and make sure he stays inside the whole time. Etc.
Still concerned? Here's some more advice:
- Don't hit his manmeat with a baseball bat. Dudes don't like that.
- When giving oral sex, remember not to bite down. You're not a banana slug.
- Refrain from practicing your expert stick-driving skills on his johnson during your next handjob. Third gear = dick death.
- Remember: Liquid nitrogen is bad for penises.
- Tease him with your tongue, not a laser.
- Before you fornicate, check to make sure your vagina is not emitting acid.
