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Google Analytics is primarily used for business purposes. Just the facts ma'am, just the facts. But if you run a site like ours—which is just chock full of salacious articles that are probably dashing every hope of any one of its authors ever holding office—Google Analytics proves to be a bit more fun than it should be; namely, the "organic search tag line" section.
Dear readers, let it be known that ya'll are on the prowl for some mighty weird things. Let's take a trip down memory lane and check out some of stranger searches from 2014.
Pakistan Porno
No, no, no. The correct phrase is "Paskistani porn." No wonder you got directed to a feminist site discussing the ever-growing complications of our neo-political stratosphere . . . instead of Middle Eastern naughty bits.
Paris Porn
I'd be inclined to think this was related to Paris Hilton, but perhaps I'll give you the benefit of the doubt? I mean, the infamous—1 Night in Paris—went down ten years ago. Is this some sort of early aughts nostalgia?! Or some sort of Francophile spank-bank fodder? The world may never know.
Animal Sex
. . . we got you. From bees to banana slugs, we're equally obsessed with the way other beasts make two backs. And can't stop writing about it. Keep. Searching.
Elle Fanning
That awkward moment when we analyzed the, ahem, "going brunette" phase of a teen actress. If a heady psychological angle can be superimposed over celebrity scandal-mongering . . .we're all over it.
Giana Ciapponi
I see my mother's been rather active on Google search lately. Right . . . ?
Ejaculation During Therapeutic Massage
Okay, yeah, we wrote about this—but people are actively searching the internet for this? On their own? One can't help but lose sleep about the motivation. I'd like to think it was an atempt at nailing down some personal etiquette perhaps? Some dude somewhere was much abashed, surprised and decidedly deflated to learn that cumming mid-massage was a no-no.
Naked Selfies
How offensive. Disgusting. We would never write about such a tacky, tasteless, self-loathing thing. No one does that. No one.
Liking Boobs
A support group for those who feel—tragically—sexually attracted to those fleshy rib globes. Weirdos.
Are Women With Septum Piercings Sexy?
Somewhere in Portland this debate is raging over well-oiled beards, well-worn corderoys and craft beer.
Is Taylor Swift Gay?
Likewise, this late-night head-scratcher is currently being argued by frat boys and girls with globs of purple braces and excessive time on their hands. (Not that it's anyone's business one way or another.)
Vaginal Lock
This phrase may refer to a rather terrible physical ailment, but it also sounds like an epic move at Kegel Bootcamp hosted by a Jillian Michaels porn star doppelganger. Here's hoping for the latter.
Hot Adult Movie
Oh please. Really? Really? That's exactly the generic dirty phrase that a "naughty," impossibly square-ish rom-com male would type into Google (with a close-up of course) to encourage his erection upon meeting the good looking girl next store. Real people don't watch "adult movies" and they sure as hell don't search for them. I'm just sure of it.
Useless Husband
Ouch. Ugh. Oh geez. It's like I've tumbled over a hill into a briar pit of shame and sorrow. Step it up in 2015, dudes.
