Miss USA Crowns its Winners: Glitter, Sky-High Heels, Sexism

Fifty young women clapped politely as the new Miss USA fixed her crown. Miss Nevada Nia Sanchez's cleavage was tightly packed into her red, Jessica Rabbit-style dress, her hair BaByliss-ed into submission, her make-up slathered on with the delicacy of a steamroller.

And so it went at this year's just-wrapped Miss USA pageant. As a relatively fresh U.S. resident, I watched the annual lady-parade with a mixture of anthropological curiosity and gender queasiness. And boy, did it deliver.

"This veterinary assistant is using her animal instincts to get ahead in the competition!" yelled an excited host as one swimsuit-clad contestant was chosen for the top 10—just one of the many cringe-inducing "puns" Miss USA scriptwriters tossed about like misogynistic confetti. There were laughs about one girl's height, remarks about "exotic beauties" and enough sexism to make Sheryl Sandberg, or anyone else really, start burning their bras. But the most prominent example of the pageant's circa-Mad Men values was the fashion. Or rather, the complete lack thereof.

Where to begin? The glittery preliminary round found the ladies in barely-there mini-skirts. The cropped tops were on-trend enough, but the princess-style execution tanked that hopeful ship. The swimsuits, the inevitable evil of pageantry, would have been more tolerable if not for the sky-high heels and wild blow dries. Cosmopolitan remarked on Twitter that Miss Louisiana was the only one with beach-appropriate hair (a ponytail); we're also calling for a ban on those ridiculous heels, which made the poor contestants look unnatural and visibly uncomfortable. (Can you imagine how grueling the commercial breaks must have been?)

Next, the gowns—in the world of Valentino, Rodarte and the Oscars, why do the Miss USA gowns look like something from an 80s prom? The amount of corsets, puffy skirts and basic hues could clothe an army of bridesmaids. There wasn't a print or interesting cut in sight. And don't even get me started on the sprays and bronzers that went into making the girls look like oven-baked Barbies.

It was also quite the trip listening to the honorable judges—including Ian Ziering, looking even dumber than his long-forgotten Beverly Hills 90210 character—ask important "girl power" questions about sexual harassment and education while the girls themselves stood on stage decked out in copious glitter and fake smiles. How about a trendy tuxedo suit, as seen on American icons like Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway? Or some lady-like, relevant sundresses from any of the recent resort collections? Why not dare to visually portray the strong, worldly, intelligent spirit the pageant is supposedly promoting?

It's great that our new Miss USA has a fourth-degree black belt in taekwondo and can defend herself. Now, if only she could kick the shit out of this pageant's tired fashion and exasperating misogyny. 

Images: Facebook