Sorry sex ed teachers, we tried to heed your warnings, but we tend to swap bodily fluids like baseball cards. Think about it: how many times have you ordered a delicious cocktail only to turn and offer sips to your 12 closest friends (i.e. bar buddies for the night)? Or, if you were like my crew of 2002, offer a piece of your partially chewed gum? I know that's gross, and I'm sorry, but is it really that different from borrowing your boo's toothbrush? Oh, and even though we preach safe sex, over 80% of American adults forgo condoms when playing south with the mouth.
Given that tasty little tidbit, we shouldn't be as grossed out as we are about cum cocktails, right? Or semen flan for that matter! But—blech—we kind of really are! Writer/cook/entrepreneur Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer has two semen-infused recipe books under his belt now—Natural Harvest, for food, and Semenology, for drinks. Will cum cuisine become the new (annoying) artisanal food trend?
And as odd as these delectables may seem, this isn't a new crazy thing. In fact, other animals—like squid, carrion flies and leeches—have been doing it since the days of primordial goo. And squid are extremely intelligent, resilient and many believe that they'll eventually conquer the planet. So, what's our knee-jerk ick factor here? I mean, it's been semi socially acceptable for women to consume their placentas since the 1970s.
My guess is this: there's very few ladies on this little blue planet who think to themselves, "yes! he's about to come in my mouth—hurray!" when they feel those tell-tale spasms coming their way. Typically, it's more like "I love you, or find you incredibly hot, so I accept this fate." So the idea of casually adding the sticky-odd stuff to muffins or martinis seems unnecessary...unless quaffing semen is your fetish, in which case, bon appetite bitch!
And while semen is good for you, it's not, well, the kale of body fluids or anything. Sure it has protein, but not much. It does have zinc, which should boost your mood and give you a healthy does of antioxidants. So basically it's like eating an apple slice with peanut butter—mildly beneficial, but mostly negligible. Not surprisingly, its health-boosting promises have been exaggerated—or associated more strongly with sex overall.
We'll leave you with the straight-up wonderland that is the review page of Photenhauer's books:
"With this cookbook my life has changed! Now my milkshakes bring ALL kinds of boys to the yard! You must buy this book!"
"I had to visit 4 separate local homeless shelters to obtain enough ingredients to make Thanksgiving dinner, but it was well worth it. Grandma said the mashed potatoes were the creamiest she ever had."
"It all started out innocent enough. A few teaspoons here and there. Nothing serious. All my friends were doing it. It seemed like so much fun and who could deny how great it felt and tasted? But pretty soon it was in all my drinks. Then my food. Then it WAS my food. Stroking strangers in thruway rest stops, sometimes 10 or 11 in a day, just to keep myself supplied with the creamy demon. Eventually I couldn't get off by eating or drinking it at all . . . But I've turned my life around. 14 months clean today. You wouldn't believe the stories I hear at the meetings."
Wow, just wow. While we can't say we're on board with cum cuisine ourselves, everybody (kink) helps the world go round, so cum fiends? We salute you!
Image: yup, that looks about right. Courtesy of, Wikimedia
